


The Way She Feels

by ExpertNewbs



Series: Ghosts of Pre-War and Post-War Trauma [15]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Cutting, Triggers, probably not gonna be happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-06-10 04:49:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6940510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExpertNewbs/pseuds/ExpertNewbs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stevie has a secret. Piper finds out but has to wait until Stevie is ready. They only problem is- is waiting the healthy thing?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Revealed

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah this is gonna get really depressing

"My hand hurts," Stevie complained.

"Well maybe you shouldn't have stabbed it," Piper quipped back sarcastically.

"Well maybe you shouldn't have scared me."

Piper turned around and looked at Stevie. She was much more pale compared to usual. Piper chalked it up to healing. It does take a lot of energy to heal a stab wound straight through your hand.

"Girls, girls, you're both pretty... But not as pretty as Cait. Where is she, by the way?"

"Keep it in your pants Max," Stevie and Piper said in unison.

Piper had actually gotten quite close to Stevie's younger brother. She was, ironically, like a brother to her as well. Max did have his quirks though. Like making and modifying a boomerang because apparently it was the best all purpose weapon out there. 

Max also had an unhealthy obsession with Cait. He was practically in love with the Irish woman. All he did was drone on and on about her. If that's what Stevie or Piper sounded when they talked about their significant other then the journalist had no idea how anyone put up with them.

"Hey Pipes I'm gonna go lay down. I feel sick."

Piper looked at her wife with concern. Stevie almost never laid down when she was sick. She always found something to do to distract herself from it. The writer had the feeling that she used the same method to distract herself from other things as well, things that she disguised with the excuse of "I'm sick."

"I'll come with you doll. I love your cuddles, sick or not."

Stevie grimaced. "Why don't you go have some fun? There will be plenty of time to cuddle later."

Translation- I don't want anyone to see what I'm about to do.

•_•_•_•_• _•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•

After a day with Max all Piper wanted to do was cuddle her girlfriend and go to sleep. Don't get her wrong, she loved Max and he was awesome company, but he was still really childish. It wasn't childish like Blue either, it was honest immaturity. Maybe she just wasn't used to being around males that weren't Preston Garvey.

Climbing the stairs of Publick Occurrences the first thing Piper noticed was that Nat was out. Then she heard sobbing coming from her bedroom. She crept up the stairs, careful not to make a sound. 

Peeking around the corner she saw Stevie. She was stripped down to her undergarments. At first Piper couldn't tell what she was doing but knew it was making her cry. Then it hit her- Stevie was tracing thin, white scars that lined the inside of her thigh.

The journalist bit her lip and backed up. She quietly snuck outside and knocked on the door to make her arrival know. She knew she couldn't confront that just yet. She knew Stevie needed to tell her, needed to be ready.

God was it hear her try and compose herself as she yelled "welcome home!"


	2. Make You Feel Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Piper wants to make Stevie feel beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This really reminds me of the song Hold On Till May by PtV and Lindsey Stamey. I recommend giving it a listen.

"I'm telling you guys, me and Stevie here are like clockwork."

Stevie chuckled although Piper noticed how it didn't quite sound as enthusiastic as she was used to. "When you weren't hogging the ball."

"Hey!" Max's voice sounded very offended. "At least I can make shots from outside the key."

"At least I can make layups."

Piper watched the apparent sibling rivalry about a game that had long since been forgotten. Stevie and Max seemed very passionate about the game. Some sport, basketball, that they played before the war. 

"Oh I'm sure layups are more important. Like your ability to use sharp weapons is better than my ability to use blunt weapons."

Stevie paled at the word sharp. Piper wondered if Max understood what what he had said. He must not have considering he kept with his teasing. 

"You're so experienced aren't you?"

"Maxwell Collin Royal!" Max turned around to see his biological mom, Lily, standing behind him. "Are you really still as insensitive as a twelve year old?"

"Wha...? Oh! Oh shit! I'm sorry Stevie I wasn't thinking."

Stevie clenched and unclenched her jaw. Both Piper and the pre-war relic's mother watched her hands instinctively rub her thighs. Piper, not knowing what else to do, grabbed the hand and moved it gently away from her legs.

Stevie was shaking. She dug her nails slightly into the hand holding hers. She needed to leave the premise before she did something stupid. She tugged lightly at Piper's hand.

"Stevie and I are gonna go for a walk. Lily, can you watch out for us?"

"Of course dear," the woman said with her thick accent. "I'll also have a talk with Max here."

•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•_•

"Blue you gotta breath. It's okay, Max was just joking."

Stevie was a few seconds from hyperventilating as far as Piper was concerned. Tears were all but streaming down her face. 

"C-cuts. So many cuts. Bad ch-choices. Piper."

Piper didn't want to ask the question she was about to ask, especially because of what she was going to do if Stevie said yes, but she knew that it would most likely make her feel better. It could also make the other woman very uncomfortable. 

Piper and Stevie had barely seen each other in their underwear. Blue had always seemed so uncomfortable with the prospect of more. Piper didn't mind, she assumed it had to do with Nate, and the journalist didn't need sex. She loved Stevie, she married Stevie, because of the person she is. 

"Stevie..." Piper faltered for a second, "can I see the cuts?"

Try as she might, Stevie couldn't stop her tears. She tried doing her old breathing exercises but it had been so long since she used them, she found herself very rusty. 

"Legs... Thighs. P-pants are in the way."

"If I take you back to our house can you show me?"

Stevie didn't trust her voice so she nodded in agreement. Piper took her hand and pulled her towards their living arrangements in Diamond City. She hoped desperately that Nat wasn't home. The situation would be too awkward to explain to the young girl what exactly was going on.

"Nat?"

Piper waited a few seconds before pulling Stevie into Publick Occurrences, satisfied with the lack of response from her absent sibling. Gently she pulled her lover upstairs and into their bedroom. 

She took a moment to observe Stevie. She was still shaking but out of the public eye she seemed to calm a bit more. When she was with Piper she always seemed more in control and the aforementioned woman noticed. She took Stevie's hand and rubbed her thumb across the top of it.

"Can I take off your pants for you or do you want to do it?"

Stevie, struggling for breath, still managed a response. "I-I can do it."

As swiftly as possible while shaking Stevie rid herself of her pants and looked around nervously. Piper paid apt attention to the thin white lines in straight and perfect lines across the front of her lovers thighs. Suddenly the vault dweller always wearing athletic shorts to bed made sense. She was hiding all of those scars.

There were so many of them. Thin little lines of shinny flesh. They trailed from the bottom of her underwear line to the middle of her thigh. They are all perfectly spaced, Stevie did seem to have a spatial mind. They were so precise asides from small little jags in some of the scar tissue. 

"Are there any more?"

Stevie tried to shrink away from her lover. She played with the hem of her shirt while trying to look at least partially comfortable with the fact she was missing an article of clothing. She wore tank tops to bed. Piper approached Stevie sadly.

"Come here doll, I don't want to hurt you. I want to make you feel beautiful."

Stevie clenched her jaw but walked towards Piper like a cautious animal. She sat on the bed when the writer prompted. Piper grabbed the hem of Stevie's flannel before moving to the buttons. She slowly unbuttoned it until she could see her hips.

More scars. These were still in a line but they weren't perfect nor were they spaced equally. They were jagged and hesitant. Piper looked at Stevie. Her eyes were dark and down cast. How many were there? Tens? Hundreds?

"Can I take the rest of your shirt off?" Stevie nodded weakly and Piper continued. When the shirt was off she settled her hands softly on Stevie's hips, fingers tracing across scars.

"Baby... baby look at me." Stevie met eyes with Piper. "There's that beautiful face. Can you tell me why you did these or do you need time?" Blue shook her head but offered no other cooperation. "Alright, I'll wait. You're worth it. Can you lie down for me?"

This time Stevie didn't answer but did as Piper asked. The journalist leaned down and pressed her lips against the other woman's left hip. Stevie squirmed a little. She kissed scar upon scar, careful to not miss one. She repeated the process with the other hip before bringing her face up to eye level with Stevie's.

"Blue... Stevie, I'm going to do something and you have to tell me if you're uncomfortable okay? I don't want to hurt you."

Stevie nodded nervously but Piper could now see the love in the other woman's eyes. The gratitude. She was thankful for this, for all of this, and Piper was happy to oblige. She grabbed Stevie's hand and squeezed it before slowly pressing her lips against the first line of scar tissue at the top of her lover's thigh.

Stevie squirmed again, this time in extreme discomfort. "Do you want me to stop?"

Stevie sighed. "N-no. Just stay on my thigh please, no where else."

"Of course, I would never take advantage of you like that."

Piper continued her assault until she had kissed every single scar on both legs. When she had finished she crawled her way back up Stevie's body and pressed a long, sweet kiss to her lips. 

"You're beautiful doll, don't forget that. Now lets get some sleep, you deserve it."

That night both woman slept comfortably with no physical secrets between them. A tear stain cover face belonging to Stevie was buried lovingly in the crook of Piper's neck as she played little spoon for the night.


	3. Are You Religious?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Piper learns more about Stevie's past which is darker than most would imagine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, so this is a heavy chapter. I started writing and this happened, I'm almost sorry.

A week went by without another incident. Stevie seemed to at least be trying to seem better. Piper had a feeling that there were still a lot of mental scars left that she wasn't able to touch just yet. Things Stevie was keeping from her.

She supposed under normal circumstance she should be upset, but Piper couldn't bring herself to be mad at the woman. This was something that was undeniably hard for her to remember, to stay away from, to forgive herself for doing. The journalist could only imagine how much it must hurt her wife to think about it and she found she didn't even want to think about it. It was almost painful to her and she didn't experience it.

She figured she would have to go into the subject very slowly. Piper didn't want to push Stevie into talking about anything she wasn't comfortable with. but the journalist had a feeling that all parties would feel a lot better if everything was laid out on the table. Having no secrets would be crucial to their relationship if they expected it to last and both of them understood that.

Piper decided to start with something that she hoped was small. Stevie didn't seem uncomfortable in the slightest when she was defending her family when they got criticism about this subject so the writer figured she would be fine talking about it. The only problem would be bringing it up. After a long time debating with herself, Piper decided that she would just ask straight.

"Hey, Stevie," she said softly, can I ask you a question."

The aforementioned girl stirred on the bed almost disconnectedly. Every since her depression had been acting up Stevie would sleep a lot longer and sometimes even straight up refuse to get out of bed, claiming to be tired. That fact too worried Piper.

"Of course you can... what's up?"

Piper took a deep breath. "What's your stance on religion?" Her tone broke slightly when Stevie's face became momentarily unreadable. "Blue, you don't have to answer if you don't want to. I'm just curious."

Stevie smiled sweetly before playing with the ring on Piper's finger, the one she put there. "I'm not really religious. My biological dad was really big on the whole going to church thing but it never quite sat well with me.

"The particular church he made us go to was very trans and homophobic. My mom being bi, me being pan, and Max wanted to be a boy didn't really sit well with all of the people who attended. To say we were treated cruelly would be an understatement."

Piper had read from old books and such that churches could be brutal at times but what Stevie was describing was pure bigotry. She intertwined her fingers with Stevie's as a sign that she could continue talking.  
"When I started getting really suicidal for the first time I believed there was a God. I would toss and turn at nights, thinking about the fact I was technically against the Bible. I had somehow convinced myself that I was a menace and needed to be dealt with."

Piper massaged her wife's hand in an attempt to sooth her. "I almost jumped out of a third story window one day. The only thing that stopped me was thinking that there was no way there was a benevolent god figure that would allow the people he created and believed in him to suffer the way they did on Earth, no matter what the circumstances."

The writer took a moment to observe the fighter besides her. The half head of hair that she had covered part of her face with tell-tale signs of sleep. Her ever changing eyes were currently green and hazy with pain, old and new, and drowsiness. Freckles, although not obvious, dotted her face like tiny constellations. Almost invisible scars from all of the fights she had been in were scattered about her face giving her a very rugged look.

"I gave up on religion after that. I got better steadily. A while after my dad bailed and Veronica showed. She had been an atheist most of her life so we clicked pretty fast. She was the first person I explained my reasoning to.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm completely cool with whomever believing whatever they want it just wasn't for me. Sometimes things are supposed to be good for you but you can't keep with them because it hurts too much, ya know?"

Piper smiled at the carefree tone her lover's voice had adopted. She knew exactly what she wanted in that moment- a kiss from her amazing wife and a quote for the next issue of Publick Occurrences.

"How's about a kiss for your wife and a quote for the journalist doll?"

"A quote would be 'do what you feel is right for you, not what other people think is best. Chances are that those people have done some stupid things and taken more bullets than needed.' As for that kiss...."

As Stevie pressed a kiss to her lips Piper thought maybe these conversations should happen more often, if not only for the extra passion that Blue decided to put into her kisses.


	4. She Didn't Want Her To Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Piper knew Stevie wouldn't want her to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't forgotten about you people who read this I promise

Although Piper knew that Stevie wouldn't have wanted her to know, but she saw her tracing the lines on her thighs quite often. Sometimes it was with pain and sometimes it was with wonder. The only scars on her body she didn't touch quite frequently was the ones on her hips.

Piper wanted to know why that was naturally. She seemed to avoid her hips like a plague, although it wouldn't been noteworthy if you didn't know the scars were there. It was peculiar though, it seemed as if she had some sort of intimate relationship with all of her other scars- self inflicted or otherwise, but she treated the one's on her hips like they belonged to someone else.

The writer had never really been around anyone who had inflicted pain upon themselves purposefully. Drug addicts and alcoholics were one thing, but word rarely caught wind of someone hurting themselves with weapons. She had no prior knowledge that would help her understand why Stevie was behaving the way she was.

The obvious answer was to just come out with it and ask her. Piper knew it was the right thing to do as well. Honesty was sure to be the best policy in this situation. She knew she should confront Stevie and ask her what was going on, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

She tried once or twice but everytime she approached her lover she would get immediately happier and genuinely more energetic. Piper didn't want to risk jeopardizing that. Confronting her on something as hope shattering as that would break all of the girl's progress if she wasn't ready. Piper wanted her to be ready.

She had prepared herself for the long haul when she made a slip up. Things were getting heated she supposed, as heated as they had ever been which admittedly wasn't that far, when she slipped her hands under Stevie's shirt and rested her hands on her hips.

The dark haired girl falter slightly but tried to keep her cool. Piper had thought it was from the contact, she hadn't thought anything of the scars. She went to move her hands up slightly when she hit a bandage.

Terror filled Piper's core. There were only a couple of reasons that Stevie would have bandages and they hadn't ventured out of Diamond City in quite a while. She tried to play it off as if she had not noticed and brought her hands closer to her lover's chest but Stevie pulled away.

"Piper," she said, "I know you felt that."

Piper, for her part, had tried to play the nonchalant, like she wasn't all that scared for her lover, but they both knew she had failed miserably. Piper moved the take her hands from under Stevie's shirt but the latter pulled it off to show the bandage.

"Blue... What happened."

Stevie ignored her question at first. "Take the bandage off for me please?"

Piper was hesitant but she pulled softly at the tape to make the cloth of the bandage fall to their laps. There was a burn wound that might've been a couple of days old where the bandage was covering. It was plain that it has engulfed some of the previous scars. It explained why her lover had avoided her hips at all cost alright, but what it didn't explain what was going on.

"How'd you get that?"

"Weaponsmithing." Stevie grabbed Piper's jaw and pulled her face up to meet her eyes. "I know I would tell you if I started again. I know that I want trust between us too. I would never hide something like that from you baby."

Piper exhaled deeply. There were tears in her eyes but not exactly sad ones. She was happy that her wife has enough trust in her to tell her when something like that starts. She was just sad that some of the pain seemed to be completely mental.

A part of her thought that Stevie felt as if she had accidentally tried to cover up her previous mistakes. She thought she had tried to purge herself of something that made up her. Piper understood now why she seemed embarrassed at first about it. 

"I'm glad to know that. Now, can we pick up where we left off?"

Stevie gave her a nervous smile before plunging her lips back down to her lover's. "Of course."


End file.
